Friday, October 12, 2007

Miscarriage

I didn't get to post the story, New beginnings Happy endings, which felt so right, the way this chapter should end. Instead I'm posting with great sadness about my miscarriage.

I conceived with Reuben's IVF siblings which all fertilised in August 2006. Reuben was one of the original 3 embryos transfered back then and the baby lost is one or more of the 3 surviving frozen embryos out of the 5 that went on to grow and develop and result in pregnancy.

It's hard to explain what this means to us. Our dream for the last year was that these embryos would survive and now we're dealing with 5 lost embryos and nothing left. It's the pain of a miscarriage in a pregnancy far further developed than is easy to explain. When you know there is human life awaiting its reawakening, you have such great hope. We wanted so badly for Reuben to have a sibling to look after him.

There is sadly little hope for me to conceive again, physically, emotionally and financially.

Our hope for the past year and our dreams for a lifetime have disappeared.

I have the physical part of the miscarriage to come in a week or so.

* * *

A 6 year old girl whom I shall call Macy to protect her privacy who is confined to a wheelchair and has been living at Children's for a year, came up to me and asked me why I'd been crying earlier. I said my little baby had gone to heaven. She took my hand and then hugged me. She told me she has a new mummy who works in the emergency room called Michelle and that she would soon be going home with her.

She came up to me again yesterday, gave me a big smile and said "Hello. How are you today? I was worried about you yesterday"

14 comments:

Cluesy said...

Catherine,
I just caught up on your blogs and you've had a tough week. Know that you're still in our prayers.
Congratulations on Reuben going home this week! By the way, your pictures of him are beautiful. Can't wait to see more when he goes home. It'll be much more fun to take pictures of him there!
Take care,
Delina McPhaull
p.s. feel free to email me if you want to take our conversations off the blogs. mcpryce AT gmail.com

AnnieG said...

Catherine and Jason,
It was so sad to see you both today experiencing yet another loss, especially while on the brink of an amazing gain--Reuben is ready to fly home again. You are both such wonderful parents, truly committed, full of love. I am so sorry that Reuben may not have a sibling, but he is incredibly lucky to have you two!!
Love, Annie

mighty max and mommy said...

I am terribly sorry for your loss Catherine. I know how excited you were about this new baby. It's a terrible loss for the both of you and Mr. Reuben. Life does have a plan, but sometimes it sure can be frustrating when you don't know what it is!!!

You are in my thoughts.

Love, Amy and Max

yp said...

Oh Catherine-

If I am not fully understanding and affirming your loss it is not for lack of your eloquence or ability to give feeling form and words. Hope is so important, and to feel one has lost hope and dream is a profound sense of grief.

Not to be Pollyanna-ish I cannot help but be expectant and hopeful for you still - for I see how your life is replete in blessing and joy - and how you make things for good.

hugs now, tears now - love always-

y


“You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result.” (Genesis 50:20 NIV - the story of Joseph)

mog-aj said...

Catherine, I only got your positive text yesterday evening and then responded and didn't hear anything, then I sent another and then read the blog this morning with great sadness. I am so sorry you both had to suffer this loss that is so much more than anybody could imagine. With much love and hugs, Sarah, S and A x

ellen charge said...
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Mary said...

So sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family.

Ericap said...

Two texts only 3 days apart, evoking extremes of passion in my heart for you both, as you know already, we are so sorry for your loss.

If there were to be such things as 'angels', one could see how that little girl was sent down to comfort you.
Congratulations on Reuben coming home this week!
Love always Erica

MK said...

once again words can't express or really do much to comfort in a time such as this, so sorry for your great loss.

Kristi said...

Catherine and Jason,
We are so very sorry for your loss.
You are always in our thoughts.

With love,
Kristi and John

Geraldine said...

Catherine and Jason,
Words can't express how heartbroken I am for you all. I think to myself, why is this all happening to my beautiful sister and brother in law.

Sometimes our paths in life take us in directions we fear and dread but just sometimes the path we are walking will benefit not just us but others around us. It's hard to see this when we are in pain, but have hope. Perhaps there's a lonely soul like Macy waiting in the wings for the love of two special parents and a beautiful baby brother that she can call her own. Have hope.
Love Geraldine

Lisa said...

So very sorry for your loss Catherine, I simply cannot imagine. Also sorry to be getting at this so late, midterm studying has left me little Internet time.

Catherine said...
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Catherine said...

Replies from the wonderfully supportive network on ivillage

Fertility Issues:
http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-ukpbfertile&msg=44035.2&x=y

Pregnancy after Fertility Issues
http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-ukpbpafi/messages?msg=2775.2

Motherhood after Fertility Issues
http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-ukpbmafi/messages?msg=1005.2

Coping with Miscarriage
http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-ukpbmiscarry/messages?msg=23257.2