Monday, October 23, 2006

Pregnancy week 11: Impossible decisions

Mum's been here in LA on holiday and looking after me.
Today I had the next of my 2 week scans at 11+5. We watched for such a wonderfully long time as our baby (Boo) kicked and waved its arms around, so incredibly animated as if we'd just woken Boo up.
It was such a fantastic celebration when we arrived as we've deferred to the ob/gyn clinic rather than the fertility clinic for recent scans (cost) and that means I'd never had a chance to thank and hug Dr Sam. So today was the day! The nurses made it all incredibly special for us, hugging and kissing us as we arrived (they love Jason!), and we laughed at how big I'm looking (I heard my mum saying to dad on the phone back in London "She looks 5, not 3 months") and I wore my cute pink maternity dress, definitely for summer, but the weather's still great in LA. They all heralded our "graduation" as they called it with great excitement. I felt like I was walking on air, giggling around the clinic that's seen us come and go, maybe 50 times.

The latest 2D and 3D scans are just incredible. And then Dr Sam came in, more kisses with dildocam still in place and after saying everthing looked wonderful, fingers and toes jigging, he followed with "What are you doing about CVS?" and then suddenly it all came back to me, although as if I could ever forget after 6yrs of trying, that I was high risk because of my "advanced age" and egg quality/quantity. We immediately replied that we wouldn't be having the tests because it wouldn't affect our decision on what to do. Then Dr Sam said we had to sign a waiver to say we wouldn't be taking his recommended actions. And he gave me until the end of the day, extended until tomorrow, to decide because I'm 11+5. I just don't know what to do. It's very emotional. We have a great blessing. Is the nuchal scan a waste of time for us since we don't want to intervene? Would CVS give us an earlier indication of problems to help us plan emotionally and physically? What about the risks despite the excellent standard of health care? How could we ever live with ourselves if we caused a miscarriage through intervention? What about the morale/religious issues? Would I be responsible for any genetic abnormalities because we tried for 6yrs with major surgery, IUI, 3x IVF/ICSIs and against all the odds to conceive and have our blessing?
I called the ob/gyn on Dr Sam's advice and she recommended a nuchal scan to order to ascertain risks and help us potentially prepare emotionally and physically for any abnormalities. I'm still sick and nauseous all the time (my electric toothbrush is the latest offender on causing me to retch), but mum has been helping me eat properly whilst she's been here and tempering my extraordinary moods.

Mum leaves LA for London on Friday. I don't know what I'll do without her here and I don't know what I'll say to Dr Sam tomorrow.
Boo’s length 4 ½ cm, weight 10g (1/3oz)


mighty max and mommy said...

I'm confused...when was this from? Your journal during your pregnancy with Reuben?

Catherine said...

yes... got the date wrong.. am finally uploading all 38 weeks of what I wrote to the blog but put 07 instead of 06 as the date, thus it appeared at the top!